I Am NOT a Conspiracy Theorist!

Lately, some folks out there have been calling me a conspiracy theorist. Well, that's not me. I keep trying to not connect the dots. I want ya'll to know that I have nothing to do with all those dots dancing around out there. They just keep relentlessly "connecting" on their own in spite of all my efforts to keep them apart.

The incomparable Chris Floyd, whose amazing ability to connect dots makes me weep with envy, once said a conspiracy theorist is just someone who applies a little reason, who uses his intellect, does the math, and takes an honest and thorough look at the facts.

Well, that's easy enough for Floyd to say, but ya'll know that's not me. I'm not interested in "doin' the math." That's why I majored in Journalism and English/Lit -- so I wouldn't be burdened with dealing with math or facts or dots.

Some conspiracy theorists think our power-mad, oil-sucking, blood-thirsty Iran-Contra bunch of thugs actually planned the World Trade Center demolition. Others don't go that far. They say the dots merely show they knew something was coming down, but were thinking more along the lines of a couple of Cessnas, a crop-duster, and a Piper Cub or two, and were blindsided -- or worse, double-crossed. That's not me either.

Actually, if I were in the market for conspiracy theories, I'd buy into the Conspiracy Theory of God's own Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, and Oklahoma's own James Inhofe, who insist we were attacked because America got on God's "Shit List" for not being supportive enough of Israel.

Call me a loony conspirator, but visions of God hurling airliners filled with innocents into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon because He was riled at our tepid support of Israel makes perfect sense. It must be true, because it makes me quake with fear, and that's what this is all about, isn't it? If you need further proof, what these guys say God plans to do to gays and women and to all things islamist makes me slobber with terror...

If I were open to suggestions of conspiracy, I would acknowledge the dots literally raining down on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I would see a gang of dorky, megalomaniacal jackass freakcases who wouldn't be there if something sinister weren't afoot.

That's not what I see at all. I don't think they're a bit dorky.

I rest my case. As you can see -- it's obvious that I am not a conspiracy theorist...